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Is He My Soul Mate?

Dear Philippa,

I met the love of my life this past summer. Never have I felt so in tune with someone. We laughed and cried together and supported each other. I realized I loved him but he saw it as only a friendship and said that he wasn't ready for an emotional commitment. I sometimes fear that there will never be anybody else like this. Was he my soul mate or just another life lesson?

�Becky, Evanston, IL

 

Dear Becky

Right now I sense you want more reassurance and comfort than advice. I hope I can give you all you need. Your letter reflects what so many of us feel when we experience such a deep connection. It goes beyond your situation to the whole subject of soul mates�do they exist and if so, how do you recognize them?

First of all, I would like you to try and see the time you spent with this man as a wonderful gift. You allowed yourself to open up and share yourself at a level some people never allow themselves to feel. Use this experience to be proud of yourself. You are brave, open, and loving.

Yes, it is possible for someone to share such an intimate part of themselves for a brief time and not want things to develop any further. People touch our lives for many reasons and not always to begin a lasting relationship. This is true of friends as well as lovers. Learning to let people move on and pass through our lives is a tough lesson for all of us. This is something I have to work on all the time in my own life.

Those of us who are romantic want to believe that when we share ourselves this deeply with someone, when our souls seem to fit together this perfectly, then this person must be our other half, the one we have always been seeking.

We women can feel starved for the intimacy you describe. We want the kind of closeness we have with our women friends in our romantic relationships. We are told that men are wired differently and we shouldn't expect that. Then when we meet a man who is open and sharing, we are so starved for this type of connection that we tell ourselves that he is it. 

I once sat in a park and talked to a man I hardly knew, shared my deepest feelings and heard him understand and reciprocate. I felt something deep inside me stir for the closeness I craved. How I wanted to believe he was the one; but he wasn't. The timing was off, he had unresolved issues or something didn't quite fit. I felt devastated because I believed he was my only chance. I was wrong. I later met and married the love of my life.

Hold onto the memory of the feelings you had with this special man because you will have those again with someone who is ready for the kind of relationship you want and deserve. Yes, this was a tough life lesson, but now you know how the closeness you seek must feel. You won't have to settle for anything else.

Being totally comfortable with someone, sharing laughter and tears, and being there for each other is the norm for a healthy relationship. To accept anything less is to cheat yourself and live in the belief that you have to settle. Remember what I said Becky, you are brave, open and loving and ready to be loved.

�Philippa

 

 

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