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Philippa Courtney

AskPhilippa

 

How Do I Stay Loyal to my Online Lover-to-be?

 

Dear Philippa,

I have been involved in an email relationship for a year. I'm having trouble knowing how to transition from an Internet to a real-life relationship. Although we haven't met yet we have agreed to be true to each other although we may date other people. She is a real knock out and a model. I think she's used to having men see her as just a sex object. How can I reassure her that I'm different and how can I stay loyal and not be sexually frustrated until she agrees to meet me?

�Sean, Vancouver, WA

 

Dear Sean,

It is amazing to me that people actually commit to each other and set up all kinds of demands without ever having met each other. I just heard from a chap in the UK who is going through a similar thing so I have to believe your situation is not uncommon.

When I wrote about a thing I call "Premature Expectation" in my "4 Steps" book, I was referring to a condition we get ourselves into when we imagine having a relationship with someone before we've even met them. In my case I used to set myself up for a hard fall by imagining some guy I spoke to for ages on the phone (or on the Internet) was going to be "the one". And inevitably when we met the reality was never as good as fantasy.

Your situation is another version of "Premature Expectation." Someone you have never met is asking you to make a major commitment to her without even agreeing to meet you. Doesn't that sound unreasonable to you?

You are caught in the fantasy of winning this beautiful prize. The irony is that you think the romantic fantasy is sustaining you. But in reality you are starving for emotional and physical intimacy. You may think that you are about to catch this beautiful creature but it sounds to me like she has you in the butterfly net.

Online dating is great for screening people and as a preliminary introduction service. But it cannot take the place of a real face-to-face meeting and going on dates where a person's personality and behavior are fully visible.

Do you believe it is possible for you to find a real live woman who is geographically and emotionally attainable and with whom you can build a relationship? Or are you chasing after a dream lover because you feel it is too difficult for you to meet and to get to know a real one?

Sean, take your power back. Value yourself enough to seek out a woman who will appreciate what a great catch you are and who wants to meet you. Realize that you certainly deserve at least that much from any woman that is worth your time and interest.

�Philippa

 

 

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